Learning About Life Each Day

I'll start off by saying I have been trying to write this for two years.  It brought me to tears writing it and thinking back.  But in the end, it truly is worth it.  I wanted my friends and family to know how important my grandparents, Sam and Esther Mizuguchi were to me.  I could have written stories upon stories, but left it like this, straight from my heart.  Thanks to all my friends and family, you know who you are and how much it meant to have your love and support.

In the span of six months at the end of 2008 and beginning of 2009, both of my grandparents on my father’s side of the family passed away.  I was not able to visit my grandfather before he passed but was fortunate to see my grandmother after she was admitted into the hospital.  Those seven days in Hawaii changed my life forever.

My grandparents were both born in Hawaii  They lived a fairly modest life, mainly on the small island of Molokai.  When I was born in Oakland in 1978, they decided to move to California to help my parents take care of my sister and I.  They made the ultimate sacrifice, uprooting from the comfort and familiarity of retirement in Hawaii to help the family in the Bay Area.

My grandparents, Sam and Esther w/ my niece Samantha

My grandparents were very old-fashioned and set in their ways.  But I would not call  our house “a typical Asian family” that many stereotype as being strict and demanding to the bone.  My grandparents had to adjust to life on the mainland, just as my parents had to adjust to life with grandma and grandpa.  There were good and bad days as there are in every family.  But the one constant and lifeblood was my grandparents who through thick and thin, supported the family in whatever way they could.

As life moved on, my grandfather eventually began to show signs of old age, slowly losing his memory.  We may never know if it was Alzheimer’s, dementia or just getting older, but his one request was to move back to the islands.  When my grandparents moved back home, it was a sense of relief in that we knew at least my grandfather would be very happy back home.  My grandmother would have preferred to stay in California, but relented again for the good of the family.  It was comforting to know that they would be surrounded by so much family and friends in Oahu who could help them out, but also worrisome for my parents, sister and I knowing that we really couldn’t do anything from so far away.  After they had spent their retired life taking care of us, we couldn’t do the same for them when they really needed it.

My dad, grandma's sister, Amy and my grandparents

My grandfather’s condition would get worse and worse with each passing year.  Our family tried to visit as often as we could or call grandma, but again, our hands were tied.  He was eventually moved into hospice care with a wonderful family in Honolulu.  It was really a relief for everyone because it had become very difficult for my grandmother to care for the both of them.  I know for myself, it was shocking to see my grandfather in the state he was in when I would visit.  This is a man who golfed into his 80’s, walking with his pull cart for 18 holes with my father and I.  He had amazing energy and vitality and to see that taken away from him was difficult for everyone to cope with.  My grandfather eventually passed away rather peacefully at the age of 96 in December of 2008.

Grandpa Sam w/ my niece

After my grandfather passed, my grandmother had hoped to move back to the mainland so she could be closer to her immediate family.  She wanted to see her great grandchildren and spend time with the rest of the family.  But about two weeks before she was planning to move back, she suddenly fell very ill and was hospitalized.  It was stunning for everyone because even though she was in her 90’s, she was walking everyday and was as energetic as ever.  My parents had planned on visiting during that time to help her get all her paperwork together and assist with the move.  But since I was the only one with somewhat of a free schedule, I made plans to visit immediately for a week.  When I arrived, I went straight to the hospital and saw my grandma lying there and the emotions rushed through my body.  As my friends and family can attest, I was an absolute emotional wreck.  I wanted to cry and cry and cry some more, but I also wanted to be strong for my grandma.  It’s one of those situations where she may not have been completely conscious or even able to recognize me, but I didn’t want to present a bad vibe on the chance that she did fight her way through this.  Eventually, the doctors gave us a very somber prognosis, saying it was highly unlikely she would be able to recover.  When they said they were going to stop feeding her intravenously, I completely lost it and had to leave the room.  I couldn’t comprehend why this was happening.    My family eventually decided that the best thing to do was to try to find a hospice family to take care of her for as long as she lived and make things as comfortable and peaceful as possible.  I made sure every minute I could spend, I was making things easier for her, either trying to give her some water and food, massaging her legs, or just talking to her so she could hear a familiar voice.  We moved her from the hospital and before I left, I had a brief moment alone with her.  It is a moment I will always remember.  I told her how much I loved her and grandpa, how much they meant to me and that I would do everything in my power to make them proud.  I left and about two weeks later, she passed away peacefully.

Grandma Esther w/ Samantha

I really struggled with both deaths.  I’m not sure if it was because it was really the first immediate family that had passed away, but I still think about them to this day.  At the beginning, I think part of my sadness was regret and being upset at myself.  I questioned why I hadn’t made it a point to visit my grandparents more often, call them or even just write them a note every once in awhile to tell them how I was doing.  My life was not so busy that I couldn’t keep more connected with them.  It was especially tough for me because of the amount they had sacrificed for me.  I had lived with them for most of my life, learning from them, having their familiar voices and faces in my life, all to be taken away in seemingly an instant.  While I was frustrated and sad about their deaths, I  was even more upset about my own “selfishness” and not doing enough for the two people in my life other than my parents who had the most influence on me and helped to raise me.  It has been a sobering two years to say the least.

Since their death, I have gone on in life with different jobs, different ideas for a career, personal life changes and a different perspective on life.  But hardly a day or week goes by without my mind wandering off to my grandparents in some way, shape or form.  While the regrets and sadness has lessened over the two years, there is still a huge void in my life from their passings.  I look at things I am doing in life and always wonder what my grandparents would think.  Part of my goals in life are to prove to myself that I can succeed in whatever I do; but a big part of me also wants to prove that to my grandparents and have them smiling down on me.  

My grandparents generosity could even be seen after their deaths as they both decided to donate their bodies to the University of Hawaii for medical students doing research and lab work.  My family went back in April to take part in a very moving ceremony put on the by the facility, department and students.  It was absolutely amazing to hear some of the wonderful speeches by the students who were so grateful for the gift my grandparents and others had given them.  It finally dawned on me that you don’t really understand what you are missing until a person or thing is gone from your life.  The weekend gave me a chance to reflect on all the good my grandparents did and how many lives they truly touched.  I can look back now, especially at my own life, and see certain traits and characteristics that I picked up from my grandparents.  I look back at some of the lessons they taught me and try not to make the same mistakes that I had before.  And finally, I look back and the regret that has haunted me since their deaths is being replaced by the fact that I know my grandparents are proud of me and supporting me from afar, no matter what I do.  They will always be a part of my life and would tell me not to live with the regret and sorrow that I have felt over the past two years, but to live life to the fullest.  I will never forget all the wonderful memories I have of my grandparents and now treasure those bright, positive moments in my life each day, knowing it will lead me to bigger and better things.  Thank you grandma and grandpa, we will always miss you.